LYRICS
RIGHT THERE
When the Want Ads don’t really want you
And the Census says, you don’t count
If you call 911, and it rings on and on…and on
If you think that the Lord doesn’t think you exist
And your service dog looks all around
And your name can’t be found anywhere on The List
And you feel all stuck in the ground
I’ll be Right There
Right there with you
I’ll be right there, too
And it’s a little bit more than La Petite Mort
S'il vous plaît, if you’ll pardon my French
‘Cause the time to complain is better spent catching rain
That’s just something I learned in the trench
If your school says you never attended
Cause your permanent record got erased
And to me, you look like a goddess
Even if you prefer not to be her,
but rather just a pretty face
Well, I’ll be --- Right There
I’ll be Right There with you
I’ll be Right There, if you want me to
I’ll be right where you might hope I’d appear
Even if you don’t hear me say ‘Boo’
Right There with you
I’ll be Right There, what more can I do?
We make quite a pair, but we’re just part of the crew
Even if you don’t hear me say ‘I Love You’
(I’ll be) Right There even if you don’t think I care
(I’ll be) Right There even if you don’t think it’s fair
Right There with you
I’ll be Right There, if you want me to
I’ll be right where you might hope I’d appear
And I’ll say it again
‘Cause I already been
Right there, too.
© 2010 James Schneider
p 2010 Hero Mask Music
IF ONLY I LIKED STRIPPERS
If Only I Liked Strippers
Like you do, like you say you do
I don’t need no artificial sweetener
Don’t wanna watch, like Chauncey Gardener
Cause if I look but cannot touch
It don’t mean much, in fact it’s worse
To sit and suffer, let’s call it as it is
As she warms her hands in what once was my purse
Chorus
Take it off when it means something
Meet me halfway when we’re alone
Take it off when it’s not so safe
Cause I don’t wanna bitch, but I do want to moan
You’re friends with twenty strippers… on FaceBook
You’re a V.I.P. to the Industry
But at the end of the night, hey, you’re just talking to me
Cause if you look, but can’t be pleased
How fun is that? In fact it’s a tease
She can talk to you like a shrink or a nurse
But when the show dies down you still got the guy’s curse
When the show dies down you still got the guy’s curse
Chorus
She can talk to you like a priest in the Church
You connect with her til you’re ready to burst
Maybe I’m being a guy, thinking last things first --
But the tune won’t change
til up drives my hearse
No, my tune won’t change
til up drives my hearse
Chorus
Take it off when it means something
Meet me halfway when we’re alone
Take it off when it’s not so safe
Cause I don’t wanna bitch, but I do want to moan
If I wanted to chat I’d pick up the phone
Every dog has his day, but still wants his bone
The courtesy van’s in the white parking zone
I don’t want to bitch, I’d rather both have us moan
If Only I Liked Strippers…
© 2010 James Schneider
p 2010 Hero Mask Music
TRANNY in a TREE
There’s a guy and a gal rolled into one
With his n’ her equipment
Hanging out, twenty feet off the ground
What a mess, but still something unique
In this G-d forsaken town
Where the gal’s a guy, and the gal’s a freak
Tranny in a tree
Come on down, come on down
Tranny in a hibiscus tree…
Not a stitch of clothes to the naked eye
Her only cover is a hairy chest and some alibi
Throwing stones at the second floor window;
Disturbing the peace, entertaining the rest
More than just a little --
Tranny in a Tree
I’m so sorry that I had to see
Anatomically, a full boat
A rudderless son and daughter
She’s a bottomless cup of awful
Psychologically bailing water
(and the folks below say:)
‘Do you think that she’ll come down?
Should we call the fire department have them come around…?’
She sees kids laughing as they stumble home
They point and shoot names at her, preserved on camera phones
Up there, Life must be hard
Cause down here, the neighbors see it all, and they hear:
‘Lucy, Lucy, let me in!
I’m drooping and my blood runs thin
Better finish with your John soon
Or it’s Goodnight Tranny, Goodnight Moon.’
Tranny in a Tree
I’m so sorry but I had to see
Scientifically, a footnote
A rudderless son and daughter
She’s a bottomless cup of awful
Psychologically bailing water
Tranny in a tree –
‘Someone help her’. ‘No, just let her be.
She’s throwing rocks, man,’ ‘She forgot her key.’
‘I think I saw her once, on TV.’
‘Someone help me, please set me free.’
Someone gonna wanna
Tie a yellow ribbon on that old Tranny
Do you really think she’ll come down?
Does anyone think?
Shall we call the Fire Department
have them come around?
© 2010 James Schneider
p 2010 Hero Mask Music
HOW LONG
She asked When? I told her Always
She asked Will you be? I said, Of course.
How long you gonna be my Daddy?
I told her Now, into next week,
for a thousand years, if we don’t speak
How long you gonna have to ask me?
She said Why? I said, Forever
Look me in the eye, consider the source
You see a Red Nose and pants that are Baggy?
Every day; stack ‘em one by one
til they reach the sun, past the Milky Way
That’s how long I’m gonna be
How long you can call me
Even if I trip and fall, from the pedestal you put me on
How long you gonna be my Angel?
She said Not for long--
I’m getting bigger, growing faster than this song, I figure.
Is that so wrong?
If I get home
and you’re upset by the choice of boy that I have met
How long you gonna stay mad at me?
‘Is this a dream? Is this a test?
You always had a knack to pick the best
How bona fide is his guarantee?’
Every day; stack ‘em one by one til they reach the sun,
past the Milky Way
That’s how long I’m gonna be
How long you can call me
Even if I trip and fall, from the pedestal you put me on
How long you gonna be my Angel?
She said Not for long--
I’m getting bigger, growing faster than this song, I figure.
Is that so wrong?
If a slam a door right in your face,
if I turn away from your embrace,
How strong you gonna be?
I said ‘Hold on, let’s all relax.
I packed your lunch and there’s some snacks.
How long? How long?
How Long you gonna be my Baby?
How Long you gonna be my Baby?
© 2010 James Schneider
p 2010 Hero Mask Music
IN NAME ONLY
The wife lost her libido
Or maybe she changed the lock
Wedded bliss blows over
Fifty years left on the clock
After the kids are born
And the home factory goes dark
The wife stares at the ceiling
Passion stuck in park
(Too bad for the)
Man in name only
Prematurely put out to pasture
He’s slave to a circumstance that has no master
He’s a man in name only
And you wonder:
Why do guys always go younger?
Once the ladies have their babies
They lose their biological hunger
It’s been a long time
Since you even kissed her
You turn-in every night
More like brother and sister
You keep her up all night
But not like before
She claims you sleep diagonal
Shake the house with your snore
(Too bad for the)
Wife in name only
She’s too hot, she’s too cold
she got laundry to fold
For her man in name in only
And you ponder:
Is it only Big Bad Wolves that will wander?
And the Princess no longer minces her words
Happy Endings fade in the distance
For the couple in name only
They don’t do it like they used to
They don’t do it at all
They couple, in name only
And he says, in the Year of the Tiger
‘I ain’t even a David Duchovny’
He says, ‘I just want the woman I married
To hold, and to love me.
To hold, and to love me.’
Got the food and shelter he needs
He’s a slave to a circumstance
that has no master
There he stands in the weeds
He feels like a man, in name only
I feel like a man, in name only
But still, I’m a man
© 2010 James Schneider
p 2010 Hero Mask Music
